Archive for June, 2010

Day 69: “Skinny Bitch” and my female hero, Kelly Cutrone…

Posted in Uncategorized on June 8, 2010 by MuffinTops

I am not even gonna bother doing the whole WEIGHT with semicolon bullshit. Nor will I follow that up with a guess-timation of what my body fat might be.

I haven’t written since my trip to Toronto in May because I have slipped quite badly in the food department.

I would like to blame it on the stress of flying to Toronto and back, flying to Atlanta and back, the stress of my jobless situation, my damn hypothyroid, my hair falling out, and overall just being fat and lonely in an obscure ‘lil city.

I know I sound like a frumpy miserable biz-natch, but I assure you that I’m not usually like this. Not the old me, the real me. The “skinny bitch” me.

I am obsessed with fixing myself. I honestly think I have too much time on my hands,  and that is just a disaster waiting to happen for someone so super OCD and ADD. I blame my mom for acting like a chicken with her head cut off, but look at me! How fucking poetic. No wonder that “apple doesn’t fall far from the tree” cliche is still used.

On the positive side, I have been reading quite a bit. On my way to Toronto, I walked into the airport bookstore. It took only seconds of pretending to look interested at random bestsellers before I saw it: If You Have to Cry, Go Outside…and other things your mother never told you, written by the one and only, Kelly Cutrone. If you’re guilty of watching a few Hill’s episodes on MTV, then you probably know who this sharp-tongued no bullshit woman is. If not, Google her ass, NOW.

I read her book in a day and a half. It’s less than 200 pages, but for a chronically snail-paced reader like myself, that’s a quick read. Half autobiography, half self-help/advice book, I couldn’t put it down. Ever since I first watched Cutrone on TV, there was something about her that captivated me. As you can see, she ain’t no skinny bitch supermodel or actress, she’s not even Oprah, but she is who I aspire to be: a woman who knows who she is, and calls the shots in her life. Cutrone is financially and emotionally independent. For her, romance and cock are just bonuses in life. She recognizes that there is something greater out there than just the spoils, yet she isn’t some reclusive monk hiding away in a monastery.

The main message in her book: FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS…If you don’t know what they are, don’t be afraid to try shit out. Find and listen to your own voice, not your parents’ or society’s or what you think others want you to do. It takes a lot of faith to trust yourself these days. There is so much white noise to break through. So much information, it’s confusing. But once you find that pure you, don’t turn away from her. TRUST HER. She’s your soul.

Also reading, Women, Food and God, by Geneen Roth. I mentioned this gem of a book in my first post. I have yet to finish it, but it’s a very enlightening read. Basically, it articulates my story in a nutshell: traumatized/abused child has learned to numb herself and escape from her own physicality via gorging on food, using it as a drug, a portal to another place, away from her body experiencing the painful emotions.

Lastly on Muffin Top’s book list: “Skinny Bitch”.

Not so much a diet book. More of  a “let’s convert all the fat desperate bitches to tree/animal – hugging vegans” type of book.

After reading the chapter on farming slaughter house abuse, the authors have succeeded in converting me. Animal meat is just sad, and very, very gross in terms of how it made its way to our shiny, clean-looking supermarkets.

I’m farting like a madwoman as I type. I think it’s two days of tofu eating.

I’m also taking some ephedrine to give me more energy. I know, tres stupide! But I really need to overcome my lack of energy.

Write more when I wake up:)

MT