Day 36: Childhood Obesity and the Unhappy Purchase

Weight: Scared to step on the scale

Body fat %: Climbing, I’m sure.

I wish I had good news to report. This must be getting tedious and depressing, even to whoever reads this I presume. I wish a few days passed and my next entry showed signs of progress, but no… Say it with me now, “Life gets in the way!”

I’ll explain. From Monday to Friday last week, I was doing pretty well. Ate decently, exercised everyday. Then comes TGI Fucking Friday. We didn’t go there to eat, but I refer to all Fridays as TGI because like the food at the restaurant, every Friday out with friends seems to bring a shit storm of calories. It starts with irresistible bread, followed by wine and a not so-healthy appetizer of beets and fried goat cheese balls.  When the entrees do arrive, I’m redder than a bloody lobster thanks to the Asian flush and ready to devour everything in sight. I might look like Red Lobster but I’m acting like a Plecko, sucking in every last morsel of food on my plate as if it were the bottom of a fish tank and stealing some fries from the generous dinner guests sitting to both my left and right. Why do I lose control like this on Friday’s?

As Jaimie Foxx would say, “Blame it on the Ah -ah-ah-ah-ah-Alcohol, blame it on the Ah-ah-ah-a-ah-a-ah-aaaa!!!”

Take it away my man. You are right on with that line.

So both Friday and Saturday night  ended up with bottle service on the roof of the only night club in St. Pete: PUSH. Gobo’s good friend came to visit us on Saturday and was full of boundless energy. That meant another visit to PUSH. Only this time, we polished off one and half bottles of Absolut Vodka. Keep in mind, we had 2 bottle of wine prior – one at home while we were stuffing our faces with 10 pounds of cheese and crackers, and another during dinner while we were sharing 6 plates of Tapas that were really the size of entrees.

Sunday took things down to a level 3. The only physical activity I got was when Gobo was teaching me how to ride a road bike outside in our condo complex driveway/courtyard.  Despite our little spending moratorium, Gobes decides that we should drop $1500 and get me a real road bike with cleats and all. So we go to Revolution Bicycles and pick one out: A white and purple Specialized Dolce bike for women. We pick out shoes, a pace monitor, medicare USB bracelets, the whole she-bang. Then come the biking shorts. These aren’t just regular Nike running shorts. They are expensive as hell and the entire butt and crouch region are padded.

I go try a pair on and am shocked, if not disgusted by what I see in the reflection. This time is wasn’t Muffin Top that had me almost gagging. The shorts made me look like I had a “Hulk” vagina. Yeah, you heard me. It was looked like I was wearing half a Batman costume that emphasized a vagina on steroids.

I walk out of the change room. Gobo and the two sales people ask me how the shorts were. I forget that I’m no longer in Beijing and that people (other than Gobes) can understand English, so I blurt out nonchalantly, “They make my vagina look wierd.” The entire store hears me. The dude helping me with my bike can’t contain his shock and laughter. Gobo shakes his head embarrassed. I look around confused, and then protest, “It’s true, they make me look like I have a gigantic twat!”

Thank god the sales girl confirms that bike shorts do, in fact, make your Poon Tang look that way. We buy the shorts.

Finally, Monday. Gobes and I drove an hour or so to Orlando to meet his good friends who have a time share at this huge water park resort. The place is great for families. We did 18 holes of mini-golf with them and their 2 boys, went down a 3-story inflatable Hippo water slide, and cruised along the lazy river on a double donut tire.

As we baked on our beach chairs during lunch, I couldn’t help but notice all the fat so’s around us. But it wasn’t only the adults, it was sadly, most of the kids. But before I get to that I must say there was a woman beside us, pretty face, pretty obese, and she had the biggest set of fun bags I have ever seen in my life! No joke, they looked enormous, like the size of ridiculous implants, only hers were real. One boob must have weighed 65 pounds, easily.

Anyway, it was bizarre. It was like a bad car crash, I could not stop staring. Moving on to the fat kids. There were tons of them. Some as young as 3 or 4 had the bodies of old fat people with the protruding bellies. love handles, man-boobs.

It was really disturbing and sad to see that so many kids, one after another were on the road to becoming obese. I told Gobes I thought it was child abuse in a way. Pure neglect on behalf of the parents. I blame my dad for feeding me nothing but 2-for-1 pizza when I was 12 and moved in with him. Now look at me. When you’re a kid, that’s when your fat cells are most susceptible to growing.

After Orlando, we made a pit stop at the glorious Premium Outlets. They have a new Lulu Lemon store there. Heaven! Before going there, we went into Barney’s. It is not fun shopping when you think you wear a six or have a 28” waist, only to discover in the change room that all 6 items you chose are a size too small. Man that sucks big time.

I was on a mission to find jeans that don’t pinch my Muffin. I could squeeze into the 28’s, but that would be like all the other jeans in my drawers right now that I have stopped wearing. So I surrendered to the 29’s…A dark Paper Denim brand that looked like they might belong to Gobo and not me. I didn’t want to buy them. They looked huge, but they fit me. Another slap in the face to confirm how fat I am getting. I felt helpless. A wave of self-pity drowned me as I pulled out the Amex, unhappily, and handed it over to the cashier.

Ladies, this is called an unhappy purchase.

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2 Responses to “Day 36: Childhood Obesity and the Unhappy Purchase”

  1. Talk about putting yourself out there. Either we have to get used to looking the way we do or we do something about it. I have found help with a Weight loss package that is available on-line and it doesn’t cost much at all. It is based more on health than diets and excersize. See for yourselves. You can learn more at http://www.fatlossfactor59.weebly.com. Good health looks good.

  2. Colette Says:

    So funny, like super hilarious. Much much better material then Sophia Kinsey…or who ever that chick is who wrote Shopoholic. Hulk vagina!! Genius!
    Does it help to hear you’re delusional, not fat? The real fat chicks out there are gonna want to take you out.
    Can’t wait to see you this week!
    Mwah.
    Colette

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