Day 29: Visit to the Gyno in one hour…

Weight: I don’t know, but let’s just say it can’t be less than what it was the last time I jumped on the scale

Body Fat: A hundred fucking per cent at this rate

Mood: Hot and bothered, but happy that I made it out for a run around the scenic neighborhood of good ol’ St. Pete this morning. Still sweating after the shower!

I think I am definitely in a state of denial about something. I am really keeping myself fat. I am not being truthful when I say “I want to lose weight”. Either that, or I just want the pounds to melt off with zero effort. But Gobes refuses to let me get liposuction.

Here’s the thing. I know what  need to do to lose weight. For the past week or so, I’ve been going to the gym, taking Zumba classes, hitting tennis balls, and eating rather reasonably in the early half of the day. At night, it’s like no-limits Texas Hold’em. We had movie popcorn and gelato last night, for example.

But I do cheat. And by cheating I don’t mean downing a bucket of ice cream (even though Muffin Top won’t stop whining for it). I don’t eat chips, or chocolate bars, or even fast food. But I do snack a lot. Almost unnecessarily — on grapes, Cheerios/Fiber One, Pink Lady apples or random shit like damn Almond butter.

God forbid if we have any kind of cheese or yogurt in the fridge: that’s like putting a lamb in front of a lion. I take nibbles of whole wheat low-carb wraps and Gobo’s toats. I indulge in Starbucks’ tall skinny cinnamon dolce latte, which apparently only has 90 calories. If you measured the amount of diet Coke/Sprite/Crystal Light I’ve consumed over the years, it would be 10 times the amount of oil that’s floating around the Gulf of Mexico right now.

All these little sneak-ins are the reasons why after almost a month since pledging that I’d get serious about losing weight, I have done jack shit. I’ve  probably taken 2 steps forward and 4 steps back. That’s been the story of my life for a few years now. It really sucks — this time — chocolate sweaty office balls. Yuck.

You know what’s even more sad? I’ve  been wearing the same GAP cut-off jean shorts almost everyday because they’re about the only pair of bottoms that fit me without choking the Muffin Top. It’s either that or the drawstring Nike running shorts I own in both blue and black. I have 3 drawers full of various bottoms that I have avoided wearing for fear that I cannot squeeze into them. And you wonder why I have no interest in sex anymore.

Sorry for sounding all self-pitying and frumpy. I think I had another false-hope epiphany last night. I was reading a testimonial from my new diet book, that Clean Eating one by Tosca Reno. In it, a woman with a similar weight profile as me (she was heaviest at 146 but has been 135 ish her whole life) talked about her success on the program, and how after 3 months she went down to 125 pounds. Then she wrote something like: At 30 years-old, I am noe my lightest at 118 pounds. Thanks Tosca!

Skinny ass bitch, I thought. What a f*cking showoff. Just kidding! But for a moment after reading that, it really dawned on me: FUCK ME, I AM ALMOST 30. I WILL LOOK BACK ON MY 20’s AND REALIZE I WASTED THESE YEARS AWAY AS A MUFFIN-TOPPING WHALE.

I gotta do this, be happy with myself. And if losing weight and looking great is my key to self contentment, then what the hell is stopping me? I gotta do this for me, and not anybody else. Not for Gobes (as much as I love him), not so I can get a job (although in my industry it’s absolutely crucial), and not for that good conscience, wise-ass Morgan Freeman voice that comes on every time I don’t do things right.

All right. Enough self insight. Now I gotta prep for a PAP so that some doctor can literally get some insight on “What a gwannin’ down dere?!”

Tune in for the TMI results!


2 Responses to “Day 29: Visit to the Gyno in one hour…”

  1. Bloated Betty Says:

    LOL…. night time is SO no limits texas hold em.

    do you have any insight on senna tea?

  2. QB!!!

    I thought you should know that I have read every entry & told lots of friends about your blog who all find it hilarious, entertaining and great to read 😀

    I can really relate, ever since i’ve come back from North America, EVERYWHERE i go QB…im not even joking….fuwuyuans, managers, friends all say one the same thing “you got fat”…sigh* back in the land of anorexic chinese women

    Regardless, you know i always support & think u are boootyful either way

    Never took the time to say thanks for the last minute wedding invite, i had so much fun

    Fight the MUffin TOP!

    Miss & lub lots,

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