Day 26: The top 10 reasons why being FAT sucks SALTY sweaty monkey BALLS..

Weight: 138.8 lbs

Body Fat: 29.3 %

Mood: Melancholy and annoyed that I let Muffin Top run amuck, yet again. So typical!

So it’s been a while since I wrote and stepped on a scale. I’m not 143 whopping pounds, but I am pretty damn close.  Apologies to all who felt as if Muffers was stealing Muffin Top away. You’ll be happy to know that Muffers departed from TPA at 6:48 am yesterday. Muffin Top and I are alone again, only fatter.

During Muffers’ last day here, the girls had some adventures both at TJ Maxx and Target: the bread and butter shopping mecca of St. Pete . Let me rephrase that: the only places to shop for clothes in St. Pete. Muffers had a serious field day at Target. When you can get pretty good quality shorts and T-shirts for about the same cost of 2 McDonald’s Big Mac meals, it’s hard not to get OCD in the dressing room. Here’s a sneak peek of the girls in the “Family Dressing Room”:

MT and Muffers, rocking dem jean capris at Target: Size 7 Baby, with serious spillage

The Muff Off! MT/Muffers, going top to top.

Oh Muffers, you brightened my week! Did I mention that Muffers is an amazing chef? Damn that girl can create good meals. She didn’t help Muffin Top one bit with her ratatouie ricotta tilapia pasta meal, or her grilled cheese egg sandwiches in the morning.

Meal of Food created by Muffers

Grilled Cheese with Eggs and Fresh Chives/Cilantro

Now tell me these meals don’t look yummier than Kate Hudson’s ass! Damn. Did I mention my Gobo’s ass is identical to hers? Haha, how envious am I of him.

Gobo's Kate Hudson Ass

On Muffer’s last day here we also hung out by the pool, where she tried her very first Key lime Pie – a specialty here in Florida, but this one did not suit her fancy at all. She expected a pie, but Key Lime Pie tastes and looks more like a lime-lemon cheesecake.

Muffers, Margarita and Key Lime Pie!

For Muffers’ last meal here, I took her to my local go-to fish restaurant, Bonefish Grill. I always get the salad name messed up when reciting it to the waiter. When I look at the menu, I see “Bonefish House Salad”. But when I tell him what i want, I say, “I’ll have the Bone House Salad”. Omg, so embarassing. “I’ll give you a bone to chew on!” I imagine him thinking. Awful, just awful.

Well I didn’t order the Boner salad this time. I thought I would introduce Muffers to a knockoff of Nobu’s shrimp tempura dish, only this one at the Bonefish is called Bang Bang Shrimp: Fried shrimp covered in a creamy spicy thousand island looking sauce. Looks like vomit over a pile of fried shit but tastes like the golden nuggets of heaven! Muffers LOOOOVVVED it.

"Bang Bang Shrimp don't stop the beat, I can't can't can't can't control my meat!"

Looking at the food alone that I have posted here, it’s no surprise the Muffin has gotten bigger. Let me derail no further from the title of today’s post:

TOP TEN REASONS WHY BEING FAT SUCKS SALTY SWEATY MONKEY BALLS:

10). You run out of clothes to wear because none of them fit you any more

9). You feel like donating the clothes in your closet and buying ones that fit, but since you’re under a spending moratorium, you can’t.

8). You get fat-lash when running on a treadmill. It’s like having big boobs and running without a sports bra, only the pain is coming from the fat around your waist, bouncing up and down.

7). Taking a showers becomes dreadful because you must towel dry the wet crevices between your fat rolls.

6). Sex becomes dreadful because you feel like you’re starring in some FAT CHICK fetish porno.

5). You become anti-social, and Mr. Fridge becomes a strong ally, making matters worse.

4). Shopping at Target and TJ Maxx is not as enjoyable as it could be, even with Muffers in the changing room.

3). Needing to wear a moo moo over a bikini

2). Taking a Zumba class with women twice your age, looking at your own reflection and seeing that you’re the fattest one shaking your tail feather.

1). Putting your life on hold until you get skinny, but never actually getting to that point.

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One Response to “Day 26: The top 10 reasons why being FAT sucks SALTY sweaty monkey BALLS..”

  1. AWWWWW man I am exposed… DAMN YOU muffin top damn you

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